Hello interwebs. It's been a while, and I've grown a lot since we've last spoken. But honestly, what's new about that?
The last few months, I've been feeling a strong shift in my body and my mind and my spirit surrounding motherhood. And wifehood.
I lived in Smyrna, Georgia (a town northwest of Atlanta) for September and October of 2021. To say that time was life changing is an understatement. The last few days and weeks have seemingly blended together, so I will just refer to the past few months as "recently".
When I first got to Georgia, I was sleeping on an air mattress in my cousin's living room. During that time, I was having several dreams. Dreams of being pregnant. I had one dream I was pregnant and I was vlogging it, looking in the mirror and turning to the side to see my growing belly that was showing. I had another dream I was pregnant and I saw the soul of my unborn son in a tree. I had another dream I had gotten pregnant by a boy I knew in elementary school. Adam, if you're reading this, I'm just as confused as you are. I had a dream I was pregnant and I was worried the entire dream because I did not respect the man I had gotten pregnant by and I was so worried about how that would effect my baby. I had a dream that I could feel that the baby was coming, and I went into labor soon after. Babies. Babies. Babies.
All I was thinking about was babies.
Recently, I realized that I'm a serious person. Perhaps more serious than most.
*laughs in Capricorn moon.* I'm still waiting for the day I turn on the TV to hear: If you or a loved one have any personal planets in the astrological sign Capricorn, you may be entitled to financial compensation for a childhood lost to the crippling fear of failure and the subsequent dedication to success which birthed the desire to always be living about one generation ahead of yourself that ensued.
Yes, I'm 22 going on 33. Because when I was 16 I was 25. And when I was 4 I was probably like 90— but that's only because Piscean children are just born with this ancient wisdom and understanding.
[Sidenote: if you have a Pisces child, know that your child is smarter than you. They just are. They're not a new soul, looking to you for guidance. They're an ancient ancestor. It just is. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can open yourself up to all of the knowledge they've come to give you (and the world).]
I'm at an interesting point in my life because I've come to realize several things about what I truly want in life overall, and right now.
I've wanted to be a mother since I was about 19 years old and I started to awaken, as spiritual people in the internet call it.
[Honorable mention: the book I wrote, or filled out, in the 1st or 2nd grade where I answered "a mommy" to the question 'What do you want to be when you grow up?"I used to cringe at that answer. Now it just makes sense and makes me proud. She always knew. Ancient ancestor baby, NathHughes.]
Motherhood wasn't really something I went after, consciously. It kind of just happened. As I tapped into my spiritual gifts, all of a sudden the souls that were choosing to come through me as a portal into this physical realm just... appeared.
(sidenote: isn't that little girl so adorable??? I could just cry looking at her omg)
I have this ongoing joke that when my son finally makes it earthside, he's just going to look at me and say, "finally."
Basically, I know that I want to be a mother. Because it's just who I am. Meaning, my soul is just a creator and nurturer and lover. Over the years I've come to realize that this nurturing desire to be a mother and guide is not just about the children who will come from my womb. It's about the world at large. It's about the desire to love and nurture the people who need it. That's why I do this work.
Like Nicki Minaj said,
"All these bitches is my sons,
And Imma go and get some bibs for 'em,
Couple formulas, little pretty lids on 'em..."
But, unlike Ms. Minaj, I wouldn't piss and shit on my kids.
[Sidenote: if you don't know the hit song, "Did it on 'em" by the queen Nicki Minaj, just go ahead and leave that wonderfully hilarious, joke behind and let's just move forward.]
Recently, I've been contemplating what my role looks like, as I maintain my sense of self and show up for my community and soon-to-be family. [This post is not a pregnancy announcement, I promise.] What I've realized is that the problem I've had is not with being an amazing wife and mother and nurturer who is of service to her family (and community). As usual, the problem I've had has been with my perspective.
I didn't like to be referred to as someone of service, because I thought that to be of service was to be subservient. I'm just going to drop the difference between the two here: it's respect. When someone is of service to others, it's because they are choosing to do so. They know they have some expertise, knowledge, experience, etc etc to give and they are choosing to do so with love and compassion and care, rooted in their love for and desire to help others. When someone is subservient, they give because they are expected to. They give without concern for themselves or their own needs. They give without boundaries, and they aren't necessarily given much in return. When someone is subservient, they're treated like they are worthless. When someone is of service, they're treated with the utmost respect. We are so grateful to have people of service in our lives. We don't take them for granted because we know and understand that they are valuable. People who are of service are needed. A doctor is of service. An enslaved woman is subservient.
I mention slavery because, as usual, I have to get to the root cause of my resistance. Up until now, I have been very resistant to the idea of being of service, because I thought it meant I was subservient and lacking self respect. It makes sense that black women, and perhaps women in general living under the wounding of the patriarchy, naturally have a resistance to the idea of being of service to their families. I think about the reaction Black Twitter, in general, had to one of Jay's verses in 713 on The Carter's album, Everything Is Love.
He says, "To all the good girls that love hustlers,
To the mothers that put up with us,
To all the babies that suffer 'cause o' us,
We only know love because of ya.
America's a motherfucka to us,
Lock us up, shoot us.
Shoot our self esteem down,
We don't deserve true love.
Black queen, you
Rescued us.
You rescued us.
Rescued us."
First of all. I love that album. I love that couple. I love Beyonce. You all already know this. Let's move on.
When the album came out, there were tweets and responses to this verse. Some black women had a problem with it. I understood the sentiment, but cringed at the verse myself.
Now, I don't. But I've changed.
As the descendants of enslaved women, we have this wound surrounding nurturing. Because there's a difference between doing something out of the kindness of your heart, and doing something because you believe you have to in order to survive. I'm not sure if we've talked about this before on this blog, but nursing is so intimate. When someone is nursing a baby, that baby's saliva is communicating to the breast. There's an exchange there. Breast milk changes in response to the baby. The person nursing changes in response to the baby. If nursing is an energetic exchange, can you imagine the psychological affects that nursing and raising a baby that will grow up to oppress you would have on a person? Or several generations of people? The process of childbearing, nurturing and raising has been spoiled for several generations of black people.
The most sacred, beautiful process in existence has been spoiled for so many of us.
[Sidenote: All of the things I'm talking about here are in general. Meaning, it doesn't necessarily apply to everyone. So if you know of a microcosm within the macrocosm of the black community, you don't have to let me know. I'm aware.]
We talk a lot about the black family structure, and what it is today, with very little regard to the impact of separating families and displacing people present throughout our history. I don't want to go on an entire tangent, but one thing I've noticed is an insecurity in black men when it comes to taking responsibility for a family. There's this underlying fear and feeling of being inherently incapable of creating containment for others, as if something might happen to take it all away. I just want to acknowledge that. Because it did. And there are several traumas within our bloodline where that happened. That fear of loss, and subsequent resistance to love, is a normal consequence.
I view family as sacred. Family as in all of humanity. Family as in myself, my spouse, and our children. Family is sacred, and something I really respect. This is interesting, given my family history. Speaking specifically about my childhood experience, I grew up and distanced myself from family. As I've gotten older and healed, I've softened a lot. Doors I had closed and cemented shut have become unlocked. Not open. Not waiting. Just unlocked. I don't have the desire to shut anyone out of my life, anymore. But I maintain boundaries. If people change and grow, like I did, then they are always welcome in my life at the standard I've set for myself. I maintain environments of safety and security at all times. People who jeapordize this are not in my life. They aren't a vibrational match to me, in the first place. But should those people rise up the vibration I maintain, they are welcome. Of course they are. Because I love them. Blood family or not. The people I've connected with throughout my life are very important to me, and I prioritize maintaining relationships over disconnecting. Because I love people. And relationships are important. And laughter is important. And if I've shared love and laughter and connection with someone, then of course I want to keep that.
And I think that's what unconditional love is. Showing up for people, and never giving up on them. This is very different from allowing people to hurt us and treat us badly. It's about seeing the soul of someone and choosing them. Choosing the being underneath the natural consequences of their traumas and pain. Choosing to hold space for them as they navigate the world on their way back to that being. Some people don't choose to come back to who they truly are. Some people don't choose to come back to their soul. And we can love those people, while maintaining boundaries that might look like distance.
In Jay's verse, I hear a man showing up with a vulnerability and rawness that I don't think we see often. I hear a man acknowledging the worthlessness he felt as a result of his lived experience. I hear a man showing respect and gratitude to the women that held space for him as he navigated that pain.
I admire Jay Z as a role model for men, and people in general, in many ways.
It also must be said that our childhood experience and the oppression we experience are interlinked in very complex ways that I don't want to go into detail on in this blog. I just wanted to acknowledge that truth as well.
As a wife and mother, I want to be of service. Not because I'm obligated to. Not because of a role I've seen played out in movies and in books and within society. But because I am a mother and nurturer in my heart and in my soul. That's just who I am. It's the soul I've discovered as I've moved through this journey back to me. I want to love and nurture and take care of people and show up for them no matter what, as long as they are calling me for help, because that's who I am. Because they deserve it. Every single person on this earth deserves it. They deserve someone to show up for them and to fight for them, even before they consciously understand that they're worthy of it. I'm one of those someones. And really happy to be one, too.
I'm just realizing more and more that healthy relationships are relationships with mutual respect and compassion. Where we individually lead in areas of our own expertise. We trust people to lead us when they have intimacy with us. We trust people to lead us when they know us well enough to know what's best for us. People can have the greatest intention and expertise, but if they do not know us, they cannot tell us what is best for us. The greatest leaders understand this, and lead from their expertise on a subject/concept and the people they're leading.
I used to cringe when people would say phrases like, "I just haven't found the right man to submit to."
...And I still do....
I used to cringe because I couldn't fathom submitting to a man. I still cringe because I can't imagine submitting to anyone. [This does exclude sex... Obviously... Carry on.]
Because being lead is not submitting. Being lead is trusting. Being lead is trusting that someone else has a greater understanding than you do, and can therefore take you farther than you can take yourself on your own knowing. I can lead emotionally. I can lead creatively. I can lead politically. But if you want to talk about investments? I'm not your girl. And I don't want to be. I think the stock market and crypto and accounting and all of that stuff is boring! I have someone who leads me in taxes. I follow my accountant's lead, because she knows more than I do, and I don't care to learn what she knows in the name of doing it myself. And I trust that she wants the best for me. In the event that I marry a man who is passionate about investing and all of that stuff, he will lead our household financially. I'm not talking about control. I'm talking about guidance. And if my spouse needed help with figuring out a tie color, for example, I'd be there. Because what's the point of marrying someone with Venus in the 6th house (Virgo associated house) if they aren't going to help you look your best in every aspect of the word?
You know what? This entire blog post is basically me being a soul that embodies Venus in the 6th house.
Being lead in a relationship is not sacrificing who you are, or what you already know, in order to connect with another person. Being lead in a relationship is connecting with another person whose skillsets compliment your own in such a way where they can step up in places you can't (AKA don't want to. You can do anything. It's not about capability. It's about desire). This is what it means to be lead by anyone, not just in romance. And in this way, we are all showing up, being of service to one another in our own ways. We all have our own expertise and zones of genius. It's our job to flourish and be respected in those ways and to allow others that same experience within their own genius.
So, I'm not subservient in any way and I never will be. But I am of service. Of highest service, like Amanda Frances would say, and worthy of massive compensation. Sometimes compensation is money. Other times compensation is respect, or love and care and words of affirmation. In some instances, it's all of the above.
I choose to be of service to my community, the world at large, my family.
I'm very excited for the day that I announce to you all that I'm having a baby. I actually had a vision in a meditation recently where I was being a successful boss in my business. First I saw my highest self, a few years older than I am now. Then, the vision cut to a scene where I was sitting on a chair in front of a camera. I looked down and I was pregnant. Probably about 4 to 6 months. I looked to my right and there was a little boy, my son, who walked up to me before standing with his hands on my knee. He was probably about 2 to 4 years old. I looked up and saw my husband behind him. We were all dressed in black shirts with khaki pants (I have several thoughts, comments, and reservations about the attire, but by now I know better than to doubt the choices of future me even though I don't understand them, yet). We were getting ready to make a video, for all fo you. We were either announcing my second pregnancy, or the gender of the baby. I don't know, as there was no talking in the vision. I don't know what my husband looks like. All I could see was a black man with a beard. It's like, he had a face, but it was blurry. I wouldn't be able to pick him out of a lineup.
I guess I'll find out one day.
I was so happy after I had that vision. And it really helped me as I've learned to recognize what I truly want. I was like not one baby?? buT TWO?!!! in my mind. For the longest, I thought I couldn't want to have a family because I'm too young. But that's simply external bullshit. I have built so much, and grown so much, and tapped in to so much at such a young age for a reason. I get to be an example of what can be and a source of inspiration. Like I was saying earlier in this post, I'm pretty serious. And I like myself this way. I have serious goals and the desire to continue to create a seriously delicious life for myself. Motherhood is a part of that. I'd be robbing my soul of the life experience I wanted before I came down here by denying myself that experience, regardless of how old I am.
Good things are coming. I don't see myself having a baby tomorrow. I think I should meet someone and fall in love, first. I'm not really focussed on that right now, either.
He's coming, I can feel it.
Right now, I'm focussing on creating the content I want to create, the way I want to create it. I'm focussing on being of service. I'm not focussing on money. I'm not focussing on building a business. I'm not focussing on all of the extra shit that has thrown me off for the past several years. (Maybe you'll get a blog post or video on that later) I'm focussing on being of service to people, and allowing myself to be supported by the Universe as I do it. That is the ultimate business plan, and it works best for me. As I write this blog post, my left arm is SORE like I've been working out for days. My body has been sore for the past several weeks. I am changing more than I ever have before, I think. & naturally, my body is changing as a result. Right now, I see myself stabilizing this new energy I've tapped in to, and I see myself traveling more. A lot more. I haven't made any concrete choices, but I'm okay if I never get my first apartment; and I move out of my family home into a home that I purchase with my husband. It's not about deciding that that's what I'll do. I'm just open to life unfolding in the absolute best feeling, juiciest, most divinely serendipitous way for me as possible. My desires and life are no longer impacted by the outside world, and it feels really, really good. I feel free. And open. And it just feels like magic surrounds me and is happening for me and through me and with me.
I am wishing this feeling, no matter how it may look for you, on you today. I truly hope you get here. You deserve it. I love you. And I'll see you in the next one.
