Hey, Bookie. Today's post is kind of a long read... but it's damn good and packed with value for you. I just couldn't cut it down. It's more of a story-flow and less bullet point-y. But it's good. And I like it. I hope you will, too.
In the past, I secretly wanted more emotional intimacy and closeness in my relationships. I wanted a man to care about how I felt and the pain I was experiencing. I wanted him to be concerned and loving.
But I didn’t get that. In any relationship.
Instead, I dealt with men who were apathetic towards me. men who didn’t care if my feelings were hurt when they didn’t respond to me. Or if they just stopped responding to my messages one day. I was constantly being told by their actions that what I needed didn’t matter; and that how I felt wasn’t important.
How many times have you felt like you needed too much in a relationship? Like how often you need to hear from your partner? Or the level of commitment you're looking for?
After all of those unwanted experiences, I felt that I couldn’t have the love that I wanted. I felt like that guy just didn’t exist for me. I wasn’t thinking those words exactly… but that’s a pretty good summary.
Wonderfully enough, things began to change around the fall of 2021. This is because I started *explicitly* manifesting a husband. I started explicitly calling in the man of my desire. I wrote one of my first blog posts on it here: https://www.nathhughes.com/post/being-subservient-vs-being-of-service
Sidenote: I highly suggest you read that blog post from 2021. Looking back on it today, I laugh because I mentioned choosing my guy’s tie in this post, too. It’s just too good. I love who I am. And as I look at the characteristics I imagined that my husband might have… compared to the man I’ve called in today… I am stunned. I think I really am psychic. Haha! [for those of who don’t know I have been being compensated for my psychic gifts for the past 5 years– that’s the joke lol]
But it wasn’t until the end of summer 2022 that I had a “f*ck this shit, I’m done” moment. I ended a romantic cycle that had lasted the previous 4 years. I told my spirit team, “I’m done with what’s-his-face. I want my husband now.”
My team responded. And I got a name. Clear as day.
And it turned out that I still had work to do. Because the second that they told me who he was, and I moved to take action… my thoughts were all kinds of fucked up. I was freaking out. What if he didn’t respond to me? What if he didn’t like me? What if he thought I was crazy? What if he didn’t remember me?
Oh, how fun it was to be a woman who wasn’t shifting her limiting beliefs!
I wanted the husband right then and there. But as I moved towards him, my fears of rejection were triggered like crazy. The fears and worries coming from experiences of psychological, emotional, and physical abuse were triggered. like crazy.
He was there. And it was clear. But I didn’t have any room for him in my life.
What was taking up all of the space, you ask? Well… the past. All of those times that I felt rejected and neglected and abused.
It was like turning on your headlights in a dense fog… I couldn’t see things clearly. And that’s what dating is like when you’re ignoring your unhelpful beliefs and relationship traumas. It’s hard to see the true potential in a relationship when you’re freaking out about whether or not he’s going to abandon you or choose you. It’s hard to move forward into a marriage when parts of you are still reliving the rejection and blatant disregard for your wellbeing that you experienced in your last relationship.
I hadn’t handled my shit; but I thought I was ready for my husband.
Here’s the thing: You don’t get what you desire. You get what you’re a vibrational match for. And while parts of you are still reliving the past because you haven’t sorted through your pain… you continue living in the vibration of that pain. You continue attracting that pain.
Those unwanted experiences were reflecting back beliefs I had about who I was, how I deserved to be treated, and what kind of guys I was worthy of dating– and I hadn't acknowledged them. To be fair with myself, I had acknowledged some, but you don’t really know what your limiting beliefs are until you start deliberately manifesting. This is because you’re subconscious beliefs are… subconscious. They’re stories you’re telling without consciously trying to. You’re calling in unwanted relationship drama by default; and the only way you become aware of the stories is when you challenge them by thinking differently.
For example, when you say the affirmation, “men love to meet my needs and commit to me in relationships.” Some feelings of resistance came up, right? Maybe it felt off or like you were telling a lie? That’s your sign that you’ve been subconsciously telling a story that doesn’t align with the statement “men love to meet my needs and commit to me in relationships.”
Alright, enough manifestation 101. Let’s get back on track.
I said I was ready for my husband. The universe responded back with: here’s your guy. And it didn’t go as I thought it would. Because I wasn’t open to receiving what I’d asked for.
I was scared of being rejected. I didn’t feel good enough to be loved. I didn’t feel safe to communicate my feelings. I didn’t feel safe to be vulnerable with a man. I didn’t feel safe to rely on a man. I didn’t believe that a man could want to prioritize me in his life. I didn’t believe that a man could voluntarily share his feelings and desires with me.
I was telling a lot of unhelpful stories around relationships. And since I decided that I was attracting my husband, I have been made aware of these stories. And I have been shifting them. And as I shift, I open up. I make room. And he gets to come in.
The message is this: Your dream guy is ready. The stars are ready to align. God is ready to deliver your person to you. But what about you?
Are you telling the story that you get to have him? Are you sure that he exists? Are you sure that he gets to be yours? Are you sure about what life looks like with him?
You manifest the love of your life by making room for him to come in. When you know how to identify and clear out those old stories, you make room. And when you have more room, you have the capacity to solely shift your focus to who and what you want... and that lets them in.
In life, what you focus on is what you get. When you process and release the pain of the past, you’re no longer harping on it. You’re no longer stuck focusing on what’s going wrong. When you free up your mind to focus differently, you can think about what you want instead. The more you focus on what you desire, supporting yourself with stories that say it’s good and okay for you to receive; then you easily allow it in.
For example, how many times have you thought about your dream guy and then thought something along the lines of, but there are no good men in this city? While you’re focussing on your dream guy, you’re manifesting him. You’re calling him in. And then when you focus on there’s no good men in this city… you manifest all of the shittiest men that the city has to offer.
Most people aren’t manifesting their desires because they aren’t focussing on what they do want for a majority of their time. Most people aren’t manifesting their desires because they’re focusing on what they don’t want, and all of the things they believe are stopping them from receiving, for a majority of their time.
You get what you focus on. But shifting your focus isn’t exactly that easy when you have unresolved painful experiences. Your inner children (past versions of you) will continue to be triggered, reminding you of what needs to be resolved until you do something about it. You can’t ignore it. You can’t just push forward against it. It must be dealt with. It must be felt and processed and sorted out and soothed. Otherwise, you’ll remain a vibrational match to the unwanted assholes that you’re attracting right now. And I know you don’t want that.
Let me give you an example of resistance I just realized I had; and how I shifted it.
In the past, I dated men who had lots of potential, and who were very ambitious in their careers… but they were always stressed about work. Sometimes it was drama in their careers, or they were being overworked and underpaid, or they were stressed about money and finances. I dated men who were just non-stop struggling.
And who was I in those relationships? I was the woman who tried to make it all better. I wanted to be the shoulder to cry on. I wanted to be the woman who could help them and support them after a hard day.
In those relationships, the men were not there for me. They didn’t have the capacity to be there for me because they were “too busy” with all of their struggles. I was the woman who was willing to wait. And willing to help them get to a place where they could overcome their struggle and then they would “be able” to choose me. But they never did. They never overcame their struggles. Nor did they ever choose me.
This happened for a million reasons. Partially because I was dating men who weren’t committed to overcoming their struggles– so they didn’t. And mostly because I was telling the story that my needs didn’t matter. I was allowing them to neglect what I needed in relationships because of their own struggles. But it wasn’t really about their struggles.
It was about the story I was telling. It was a story that said: what I need and how I feel doesn’t matter. It was also a story that said: my role in life is to support other people in hopes that one day they’ll be able to take care of me.
Most of us who had parents that were chronically struggling can relate to this experience in romance, too. You grew up with parents who always had something going on that made it okay for them to neglect you. Like bills. Or your siblings. Or their work. Or their own relationship issues. Those childhood experiences became your subconscious definition of love. They’re the reason you started telling the story that it’s okay for people to neglect you.
I didn’t realize how much of a problem this was until I realized that my husband (manifestation still in process-- but also done and complete) is a successful man. And I had trouble seeing him that way. When I thought of him, I would assume he was struggling. Problems at work. Problems in his personal life. I automatically assumed he was struggling and incapable of showing up for me. There wasn’t necessarily anything in his physical reality to suggest this to me. It was just my default way of seeing men.
Have you ever had an experience like this? Where you just assumed where someone was in their life, and it was kind of based on your own past experience and not so much your intuition?
It felt normal and natural for me to see him as someone struggling who couldn’t support me– especially because I had been seeing all of my previous romantic interests that way.
The thing about your beliefs is that you don’t get new ones by ignoring romance. So many times, we think that ignoring romance and “focussing on ourselves” is going to fix the issues we have. But when we shift our focus back to romance… the beliefs and assumptions that we previously held remain there.
They really fucked us over when they told us that time heals all wounds, didn’t they?
The truth is that your beliefs don’t change until you change them. Your assumptions in romance don’t change until you deliberately shift them, yourself. It doesn’t matter how much time passes. It doesn’t matter how many new boyfriends you get.
You will continue to assume shitty things about who you are, what you get to have, and what kind of relationship is available to you until you do something about it.
Think about it like an actual wound on your body. Sure, over time, it heals. But time isn’t the thing that heals you. It’s your white blood cells and your platelets and all of the other mechanisms that are going in your body at any given moment in time. These biological mechanisms are putting in the work to bring your body back to a state of good health without you putting in any conscious effort. But there’s still effort being put in.
The same goes for your mindset, beliefs, and assumptions.
Over time, it gets easier to see things differently… and you start attracting new experiences… and you start feeling better and better about who you are and what you get to have… but these things aren’t happening because of the passage of time. They’re happening because of the accumulation of work you’re putting in.
Every mindset shift. Every affirmation. Every journal prompt. Every EFT tapping session. Every breathwork moment. It all adds up over time, and the results become more and more apparent in how you feel, how you see things, and what you attract into your reality.
The point is this: I felt uncomfortable visualizing a scene of my husband sharing his good news and successes with me because that vision conflicted with the assumptions I held that said “my life experience is one where I date men who struggle, neglect me, and need my help”.
I wasn’t aware that I was telling this story until I started manifesting the man of my dreams. This is why it can feel so triggering to deliberately manifest your desires. Everything out of alignment with what you’re creating must go. And it must be made aware to you in order to be released.
So I realized that I needed to start seeing myself as the wife of a man who’s successful. I was afraid of that experience. Would I be fulfilled as the wife of a man who’s already successful? I’ve always enjoyed the concept of being of service to my spouse… How could I be of service to a man who was able to take care of himself?
As I looked at these fears, it was clear to me that my self concept, or perception of self, needed to shift. I needed to begin to imagine a world where I was of service to my husband, and I was replenished in my relationship, and he was successful, and we were safe.
Instead of being the woman who solves problems and is neglected, who would I be?
After some pondering, I came up with this:
“I’m the woman who picks out an amazing tie. I’m the woman who’s really good at figuring out which suit colors work really well with his skin tone. I’m the woman who’s immaculate taste really supports her husband in taking business portraits that stand out and catch people’s eye. When he has an amazing wardrobe and the right colognes, he feels more confident in himself. He feels more prideful, and that energy shines through in his eyes and demeanor. The energy he taps into as a consequence of my attention to detail, and ability to give subtle flair, impacts how he is seen in the world. It makes him more attractive to clients and higher ups in his company.
I’m the woman who understands the energetics behind success. The one who can position her husband to receive even more than he would ever be able to based on physical action alone. I'm the woman who’s creative and feminine energy helps to inspire her husband. When he spends time with me, he’s inspired on how to show up more creatively in business– which is a very good skill to have because most businessmen are hyper-masculine types that only do boring, cookie cutter bullshit. But not my husband. He has an incredibly creative wife who powerfully supports him in brainstorming creative ways to attract, honor, nurture, and support his dream clients. [I’m not the woman who takes a man out of the struggle.] I’m the woman who takes a man to his next level. His next level of income. His next level of self confidence. His next level of solid, genuine relationships and community in his field of work. This supports him. It supports his ability to support me and our future family. It also supports my desire to be needed and to be a source of support.”
Can you see or feel the difference between that paragraph and how I was operating before?
In previous relationships, I was operating in the energy of “I have to come in and save the day so he can finally have the ability to choose me and take care of me, too. I have to put my needs aside to focus on what he needs. It’s more important for him to be supported than it is for me to get my needs met in this relationship.”
And now, I’m shifting into and practicing the energy of “I am an absolute asset in my husband’s life. I powerfully support him by being myself, and I love to watch him soar to new heights in his career. He’s taken care of and supported, and he pours into me from his overflowing cup of love and abundance. He’s competent and capable on his own– and together, I support him in being even more of the force that he was made to be. He’s taken care of, and I’m taken care of. And we’re living in this positive feedback loop where the more he takes care of himself and me, the more I can take care of him; and the moreI take care of him, the more he can take care of himself and me. and the cycle repeats.”
When you know how to clear out those old stories, you have the capacity to solely shift your focus to who you want... and that lets them in. From this point forward, as I script and visualize and meditate; I can see my husband reaching greater and greater heights in his career; and I can see myself being fulfilled and taken care of in the process.
This is an example of how to shift into the vibration of your desire.
As I spend time thinking about life with the successful man, and how good it feels to have him, I begin to vibrate in alignment with that experience. I begin to call it in.
Well, I continue to call it in. Because I've been calling it in this whole time. It’s just gotten clearer. And easier to focus. And I no longer spend my time worrying about whether or not he’s coming. Instead, I spend my time living in the energy of life with him. Living in the energy of being supported. Of knowing and trusting and depending on him.
And as i live in this energy, I attract amazing interactions with all men everywhere, too. But that’s another conversation for another day. Now, before we end this, let’s summarize what to do to get your dream man.
To manifest the man of your dreams, you’ve got to become aware of every thought saying you can’t or shouldn’t have him. You’ve got to debunk those thoughts [we didn’t cover that much, here]. Then, you’ve got to start telling a new story. In other words, you’ve got to be willing to imagine a new life experience for yourself. And you’ve got to tell yourself that you can have him. And that he’s coming. And that he’s already yours. And you’ve got to create an internal environment where that’s true… so true that your physical reality matters less and less as you feel confident in his arrival. Then, he manifests. You deliberately tap into the experience of your desire until he’s manifested and having him i’s your normal, natural way of living. Of course, It’s easier to do the last bit when you have the spiritual, energetic, and mindset tools that I teach inside of my programs.
For those of you that are new here, it's so nice to meet you!
I'm Nathallie Hughes: a luxury obsessed mindset & manifestation coach who helps self-led women overcome trauma and manifest their happily ever afters! On my platform, I help women go from disappointment and powerlessness to emotional fulfillment and empowerment. I believe that what you want, need, and desire matters. And I also believe that you have the power to create a reality where you are receiving all that matters to you. My job is helping you remember who you are. I'm so happy that you've found your way into my world. You're going to love it here.
As a gift, I'd love to offer you my "6 Steps from Stuck To Self Aware" Bundle! In this free bundle, you'll learn my signature 6 step process for identifying any limiting belief. It's a must have for your personal development collection; after all, we can't shift limiting beliefs that we don't know exist.
